MY OWN WORST ENEMY

I started this blog yes to inform you of fabulous finds, yes, to fill you with ideas to spark your own creativity, but also to talk about the hard stuff, the stuff no one wants to talk about. The stuff that if we DID talk about may become easier. The stuff that is relatable, the stuff I hope may touch some of you that share the same struggles. The stuff that I don't like to talk about but find can be cathartic when I do. In fact, as I type, my breaths are getting more shallow, and I can feel the anxiety creeping in. There I said it, ANXIETY,  I struggle with anxiety. It's like this little voice that follows me around, somehow it knows all my insecurities and pits them against me, it doesn't let up until it is the loudest voice in the room. The thing about it all is that you know it is stupid, you know with all your heart that you are being ridiculous, making things bigger than they really are but it. wont. go. away. As hard as you try you can't will it away, and as hard as you try you can't explain to those that don't struggle with anxiety because you know they won't understand why something that seems so trivial is so much bigger to you. So then you feel alone, you feel unrelatable and ashamed. Don't get me wrong, my anxiety is not to a crippling point, I don't feel it every single day, many days pass by without. But then, there are these times when it hangs over me like a dark cloud, each breath feels like it is loaded down by bricks placed on my chest. I can't think about anything else, it consumes my every thought and it won't leave me alone until I work hard enough to convince myself to forgive my thoughts, accept it and rationalize with them. It can be anything; my girls arguing all afternoon, times when I am being pulled in a million directions or pile too much on my plate but it is the loudest in times of fear, fear of the unknown. Mass shootings, loved ones getting sick, babes being taken home too early, these are the things, the things that rock me to my very core. They are the things I can't control and I don't like to not be in control (again, a wonderful symptom of anxiety). I turn to the internet to do my own research which is positively the worst place I can go. I know this. I know the media wants to fill my head with all these negative thoughts, they want to drown out the hope I have for humanity and rob me of my joy. I also know that I can't go to WebMD to diagnose everything, but it is so tempting when it is just one click away. So I do, and then that little voice of anxiety smiles and grabs hold and sends me spiraling until it has paralyzed me with fear. A few months ago, around the time of the horrific mass shooting in Las Vegas, my anxiety hit an all time high. I was constantly reading, searching for answers on why something so sick could happen in our world, the world my babies have to grow up in. My body began to feel it, tingles, headaches, dizziness, and burning sensations all accompanying these irrational thoughts and fears. My mind spiraled, something must be physically wrong with me (insert search WebMD and self-diagnose). I was losing it, my friends started to notice, my husband and family were worried and I knew deep down inside that this was my anxiety, my fear, and it was winning. One night I shot up straight in bed with burning and tingles in my upper back, I felt paralyzed and that was it, my breaking point. I was up the rest of the night, counting the hours until the doctors office was open and  sure enough, once there, the doctor's words reiterated what I had know all along. Classic Anxiety Symptoms. It was just what I needed to hear because you know what, it made me take action against my anxiety. From that moment forward, I cut myself off of internet searches, the self-diagnosing was done, I wanted control of my thoughts back. I fought,  I resisted temptations and I won...that battle at least. I said no to fear, I said no to the media and the scary thoughts it wants to sell me. I was back stronger than before because I fought anxiety head on, and I won. I've crammed this confidence, the coping mechanisms, the strength deep inside for the next time anxiety rears its ugly head (because it will) and hopefully each time I will catch it faster than the last time. The crazy thing is I have an amazing family, I have wonderful friends, all so supportive, all there for me in times like these, but as hard as they try, they can't will it away either, but let me tell you something, without them, I wouldn't always have the strength to get back up and fight.  Anxiety doesn't define me,  it's something I struggle with, something that gets the best of me now and then, it's a part of me. A part of me I felt strongly to share with you in hopes I would relate to some of you who may have the same thoughts, the same struggles. I shared so that maybe those of you who have felt alone, and overcome with anxiety may feel inclined to share in the comments how you cope with anxiety, tips and tricks that may help the rest of us facing our own worst enemy.

XOXO friends, you are loved.